


lose myself in a daydream

by insomniacchronosaurus



Category: Stray Kids (Band), TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Based on a Taylor Swift Song, Depression, Flashbacks, Homophobia, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Mentions of Death, god so many flashbacks, i plan to write a spin off in this universe with seungmin & other skz members, i say this as if i don't have like 5 wips lined up to work on, i should stop rambling now, i'll write some tooth rotting fluff for taegyu in the nearish future, i'm sorry this is so angsty it wasn't supposed to be angsty, if you have suggestions for txt ships & taylor song fics i should write let me know!, like another pairing i should write and have the theme be a certain taylor song, mentions of previous character death, pretty vivid/intense depictions of depression, so you'll see this taegyu in that, the fact that that's a tag makes me so happy, uhh what else, yves & kim lip from loona are mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-22
Updated: 2020-07-22
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:33:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25445446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/insomniacchronosaurus/pseuds/insomniacchronosaurus
Summary: Taehyun was crashing a wedding. But not just any wedding. His ex’s wedding.There had to be an alien or ghost or something controlling his mind for this to really be happening. This wasn't like him. He had more sense than to try and barge in on the day of his former boyfriend’s nuptials. Taehyun really shouldn’t be here. He knew that.He also knew that he wasn’t going to leave.
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu/Kang Taehyun
Comments: 7
Kudos: 49





	lose myself in a daydream

Taehyun had been brainwashed.

That was the only logical explanation. That was the only way he could possibly be in his current situation. Because he was just not the kind of person to do this. It wasn’t like him at all. Anyone who knew Taehyun would be shocked at seeing where he was right now. But they weren’t here. It was just Taehyun, hiding anxiously and wondering what kind of idiot demon had possessed him to do this. 

“Hyemyeong! Why haven’t you changed yet?”

“What are you talking about? This is my dress.”

“No, no, it isn’t. Because you all sent me pictures of your outfits, and I examined each and every one extensively, and I definitely would have noticed if someone’s dress had an abominable flower on the shoulder!”

“It’s the same dress as the one in the picture I sent.”

“You want to lie to me? Fine. Just rip that flower off before we go on.”

“But the flower is on the strap. If I rip up the strap, how will the dress stay up?”

“That’s a you problem. God, it is my wedding day and  _ I _ am the bride! Why am I having to clean up your messes?”

That’s right. Taehyun was crashing a wedding. But not just any wedding. His ex’s wedding.

See? There had to be an alien or ghost or something controlling his mind for this to really be happening. He had more sense than to try and barge in on the day of his former boyfriend’s nuptials. What he was doing was ridiculous and selfish and idiotic. He had his chance to be with Beomgyu. It was too late now, and it was cruel and rude of him to be a stain on this day in everyone’s memories. He really shouldn’t be here.

_ Beomgyu laughed adorably. “Hurry up, stupid!” _

__

_ “I’m stupid? I’m not the one who got us lost in a city we’ve never been to before.” _

__

_ “Shh, just take my hand.” Taehyun couldn’t keep himself from smiling as he intertwined his fingers with Beomgyu’s. The older tugged him forward, which caused Taehyun’s body to collide with his own. _

__

_ “Seems you’ve fallen for me. And I caught you.” _

__

_ “Stumbling into your arms isn’t falling. And you’re the one who made me stumble.” _

__

_ “Didn’t I tell you to shush?” Beomgyu grinned, an excited and playful gleam in his eye. Taehyun used his free hand to brush the hair out of Beomgyu’s eyes. His hand hovered above Beomgyu’s cheek. Beomgyu chuckled. _

__

_ “Why are you staring?” _

__

_ Taehyun’s brain went “because you’re beautiful” but he was too much of a coward to actually say that. So he dropped the hand that lingered near Beomgyu’s face. _

__

_ “Because I’m formulating my revenge plan against you for getting us lost.” _

__

_ Beomgyu gasped. “Did you just ask me out on another date?” _

__

_ “How does revenge plan equal date in your brain?” _

__

_ “It doesn’t. I could just tell that’s what you meant.” _

__

_ “You’re being quite presumptuous.” _

__

_ “So you don’t want to go on a second date?” _

__

_ Taehyun opened and closed his mouth. “Well, I didn’t...say that.” _

__

_ Beomgyu laughed again, and Taehyun thought that if embarrassing himself always brought that kind of joy to the older’s face, he’d look like a fool a million times over. _

__

_ “You’re cute.” _

__

_ Taehyun buried his face in Beomgyu’s shoulder. “Stop that.” _

__

_ “Stop what?” _

__

_ “Stop making me feel...the way you make me feel.” _

__

_ “How do I do that?” _

__

_ Taehyun lifted his head off of Beomgyu and looked up at him. He sighed. _

__

_ “You can’t.” _

__

_ “Why not?” _

_ “Because no matter what you do, you’ll always make me feel this way.” _

__

_ “Always?” _

__

_ Taehyun looked away. “Shut up.” _

__

_ “I didn’t say anything!” _

__

_ “I know you were about to.” _

__

_ Beomgyu squealed. “You’re blushing, Taehyunie! Do you know how cute you look when you blush?” _

__

_ Taehyun whined. “You’re going to be the death of me.” _

__

_ “In a gay way, or a murder way?” _

__

_ “To be determined.” _

__

_ Beomgyu took Taehyun’s other hand and spun them around, walking backwards and pulling Taehyun along with him until he was leaning against a nearby lamppost. He looked at the younger with a gleam in his eye. _

__

_ “Now why are  _ you  _ staring?” _

__

_ Beomgyu smiled. “Because you’re beautiful.” _

__

_ Taehyun usually didn’t kiss on first dates, but in that moment, he couldn’t resist. _

Taehyun really shouldn’t be here. He knew that. 

He also knew that he wasn’t going to leave. 

Once guests started to trickle in he moved his hiding spot to the curtains. Beomgyu’s fiancé, Yongsun, of course didn’t invite him. Why would she want the major competitor to her future husband’s affections to be there for their “I do’s”? Even if Taehyun disliked her, he couldn’t blame her. If the roles were switched he wouldn’t have invited her. God, how he wished that the roles were switched. He wished so badly that he was the one about to walk down the aisle. Usually Taehyun wasn’t so confident about such a big life decision but it was different with Beomgyu. Everything was different with Beomgyu.

seungmin: brown puppy to red squirrel do you copy? over

Taehyun rolled his eyes upon seeing the text he’d just received, but went to answer the way he had been instructed to.

taehyun: red squirrel to brown puppy, i copy. over

There was actually one person who knew Taehyun that knew he was here. His childhood best friend, Seungmin. Taehyun originally had planned to not breathe a word about it to anyone because he wouldn’t be able to live with the embarrassment if it went south (which it most definitely would.) But on the way when he started to panic and reconsider he decided to call Seungmin, and the older convinced him to not back out. That attitude surprised Taehyun, as Seungmin was usually like him-responsible, logical, practical. He was not the kind of person to encourage you to interrupt a wedding, but for some reason he had.

seungmin: how’s it going

taehyun: we’re dropping the walkie talkie lingo thank god

taehyun: it’s okay atm

taehyun: freaking out and feeling like an idiot who’s lost his mind but i’m okay

seungmin: you got this

taehyun: do i?

taehyun: it’s been eight months 

taehyun: a lot could have changed 

seungmin: unless you’re a sociopath who doesn’t care about emotions, you don’t get over a 3 year relationship that fast

seungmin: i’m sure he still loves you

seungmin: and before you say “if he still loves me why is he getting married to someone else” it’s because he thinks he can’t have you; he’s settling

seungmin: but once he knows that you want to get back together it’ll be all good

taehyun: i hope so

taehyun: i can’t believe i’m doing this

seungmin: i’m proud of you

taehyun: WHY???

taehyun: you’re the last person i’d think would encourage me to do something like this

seungmin: i enjoy thinking about the chaos you’ll cause with this failed wedding 

taehyun: hmm my minnie senses are telling me that’s not it

seungmin: ugh fine

seungmin: i just,,,,,

taehyun: ???

seungmin: i want you to have your happily ever after, okay?

seungmin: you deserve it

taehyun: awwww

taehyun: you love me

seungmin: whatever

seungmin: go work on your dumb romantic speech

taehyun: hehe love you too minnie

taehyun: i’ll tell you how it goes

seungmin: you better

seungmin: now if you’ll excuse me, i have a drag show to get ready for

taehyun: NO WAY

taehyun: YOU’RE DEBUTING AS A DRAG QUEEN???

taehyun: I ALWAYS KNEW THIS DAY WOULD COME

seungmin: no i’m going to a show

seungmin: wdym you always knew this day would come

taehyun: uh gotta go 

As Taehyun tucked his phone away and imagined Seungmin in drag, his mind went back to another fateful moment he had with Beomgyu.

_ “Do you have any loose leaf paper?” _

__

_ “There should be a stack on my desk.” _

__

_ “Thanks.” Beomgyu got up from where he sat on the couch and walked to Taehyun’s room. He went to get the paper and saw it had fallen on the floor. So he knelt down to pick it up, and when he was closer to the ground he saw something else under Taehyun’s desk that piqued his interest. _

__

_ “Alright, here’s your macchiato. It’s definitely decent. Probably decent. Anyway, I tried.” Taehyun put Beomgyu’s mug on the table and sat down on the couch next to him. He looked over at the older. _

__

_ “You okay?” _

__

_ “How could you not tell me?” _

__

_ “Tell you what?” _

__

_ “That you wear heels!” Beomgyu pulled out a pair of red stilettos from under the blanket on his lap and Taehyun’s cheeks flushed the color of the shoes. _

__

_ “I should have hidden those,” the younger mumbled. _

__

_ “Hidden them? Why? There’s nothing wrong with wearing heels! I’m just disappointed you didn’t tell me because the idea of us going shopping together is my heaven.” _

__

_ Taehyun smiled timidly. “Really?” _

__

_ “Yes, really! I love spending time with you, and I love getting clothes and shoes, so I want to combine you with shopping because I’ve found I’m generally happier if I’m doing something that involves multiple of my passions.” _

__

_ “No, I meant...it’s really okay for me to wear heels?” _

__

_ “Of course it is. I wear heels and dresses and makeup. You don’t think that’s wrong, do you?” _

__

_ “No, of course not. It’s not wrong when other people do it, it just…” _

__

_ “Feels wrong when you do it?” _

__

_ Taehyun nodded, a guilty look on his face. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about it. I just sometimes feel ashamed about wanting to be more feminine, but then I feel ashamed for feeling ashamed because there’s nothing wrong with being a feminine guy but I still can’t help but feel-” _

__

_ “Taehyun. Look at me.” _

__

_ Taehyun slowly lifted his head so his eyes met Beomgyu’s. Beomgyu couldn’t resist the urge to smile at how cute he looked-like a baby deer. _

__

_ “It’s okay. It’s okay if you feel ashamed or conflicted. It’s okay if you’re scared or hesitant. Whatever you’re feeling is okay and valid. You haven’t done anything wrong, and you don’t need to apologize.” _

__

_ “...I know. I’m sorry.” _

__

_ “You say sorry too much.” _

__

_ “Sorry.” _

__

_ Now a mischievous grin graced Taehyun’s face, and before Beomgyu knew it they were having a tickle fight. Taehyun won by pinning Beomgyu down onto the couch and leaning over him, satisfaction and glee radiating off of him in waves.  _

__

_ “I won.” _

__

_ “Nope, I won.” _

__

_ “How’s that?” _

__

_ “Getting to see you from this beautiful angle with the sun shining behind you is a prize.” _

__

_ “I’m beautiful from every angle.” _

__

_ Beomgyu reached his hand up to the back of Taehyun’s neck and gently played with his hair, smiling. _

__

_ “Yeah. You are.” _

__

_ “You’re calling me beautiful now? Those are boyfriend level compliments.” _

__

_ “Kang Taehyun, are you asking me to be your boyfriend?” _

__

_ “That’s not what I said-” _

__

_ “But that was your sneaky way of asking, right?” _

__

_ Taehyun smiled cheekily. “Maybe.” _

__

_ “Ask properly or the answer’s no.” _

__

_ “God, you’re so annoying.” _

__

_ “Insulting me isn’t the way to win my heart, Hyunie.” _

__

_ “Okay, fine. Will you be my boyfriend?” _

__

_ Beomgyu beamed. “Of course, Taehyunie.” _

“It’s not too late, you know.”

__

Taehyun’s ears perked up at the sound of Soobin’s voice. Soobin was Beomgyu’s best friend. Taehyun hadn’t seen him since he and Beomgyu broke up, but they had gotten quite close while he and Beomgyu were together, and admittedly missed him as well. Through the lacy drapes Taehyun saw where Soobin stood by the altar with another groomsman about ten feet away. 

__

“You’re making it sound like I’ve changed my mind.”

__

Taehyun gasped (and immediately scolded himself for it because he couldn’t make any sound if he didn’t want to get caught.) That wasn’t a groomsman standing next to Soobin, that was Beomgyu. Taehyun couldn’t believe how different he looked. His hair was blonde and his physique was bigger; more muscular. He had blue color contacts in and his facial features overall were more chiseled and refined. He looked good, but he didn’t really look like him. He didn’t look like the Beomgyu that Taehyun knew. But it had been eight months. Maybe he had changed and now felt happier this way. Taehyun didn’t know. 

__

“How can you change your mind about something you never really wanted in the first place?”

“I wouldn’t propose, let this whole wedding be planned, and pay for if I at any point thought it wasn’t what I wanted.”

“Beom, please. I know this isn’t really what you want, and…”

Soobin’s voice faded away into the hubbub of the crowd, but Taehyun hadn’t really been listening anymore anyways. He was processing what he’d just heard, mostly the part where Soobin was saying that this wedding wasn’t what Beomgyu wanted. It could be an incorrect assumption, but it could also be a dead accurate deduction of Beomgyu’s feelings. If Soobin was right, that might mean that getting Beomgyu to say yes once Taehyun stepped forward would be easier than he thought. Then again, Beomgyu not wanting to marry Yongsun didn’t necessarily mean that he wanted to be with Taehyun. It just made it more likely. But even if Beomgyu rejected Taehyun, the younger could at least maybe prompt him to do what he really wanted-whatever that was. Taehyun used to know what Beomgyu wanted. But now, seeing how different he looked, and clearly how much his life had changed in the last eight months since their breakup, he wasn’t so sure anymore. His desires may have changed. His desire for Taehyun may have changed. If Taehyun’s being honest with himself, he knows that it did change. It had to. They broke up, why wouldn’t he move on? For the millionth time since deciding to crash this wedding, Taehyun thought to himself that he was an idiot that had to just accept that what’s past is past.

_ "Taehyunie. Look at me.” _

_ Taehyun didn’t even look up from his book. He and Beomgyu were studying at their campus library. Well, Taehyun was studying. Beomgyu had given up on trying to retain any knowledge fifteen minutes in and had resorted to bugging his boyfriend as a form of entertainment. He tugged on Taehyun’s sleeve, pouting. _

_ “I’m bored. Talk to me.” _

_ Once again, Taehyun’s eyes remained glued to his textbook. He even copied something down into his notes. It’s like Beomgyu wasn’t even there. And the older knew Taehyun well enough to know that when Taehyun was studying, almost nothing could get to him. Beomgyu said almost nothing because there had been times where he was an exception. _

_ “Tyun, let’s play rock paper scissors. Ready? Rock, paper, scissors, say shoot! Since I did rock, I'm just going to say you did scissors so I win.” _

_ Not a muscle moved in Taehyun’s face that indicated that he was hearing anything Beomgyu was saying. Beomgyu sighed. _

_ “You know how people say that you join the mile high club once you’ve had sex on a plane? To me, that’s just a less nerdy way of saying achievement unlocked.” _

_ With that Taehyun at last broke, laughing and rolling his eyes, and Beomgyu laughed with him, excited to finally have gotten his attention.  _

_ “I knew there was a good reason why we never studied together before.” _

_ “We have studied together! Remember that Friday night last December?” _

_ Taehyun smiled fondly at the memory. It was only a few weeks after they started dating. Beomgyu had come over to Taehyun’s dorm room to ask him to come to a party, but Taehyun said he had an essay to write. Beomgyu didn’t want to leave him alone, so he got his books from his room and they worked together, ending the night with cuddles and sleepily telling each other about their days. Beomgyu woke up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and heard Taehyun singing in his sleep, and Beomgyu sang with him, accidentally waking Taehyun up. At first the younger was embarrassed, but Beomgyu reassured him that he found it cute, and he fell asleep listening to Taehyun’s voice. From then on it became a tradition to sing each other to sleep when they spent the night together. So of course Taehyun remembered that Friday night last December. He went back to that memory all the time. _

_ “I do remember. You were quiet and focused then. Where did that Beomgyu go?” _

_ “That Beomgyu was able to focus because he was actually interested in the subject material. History is fun, but math is ugh.” _

_ “I agree, but it has to be done.” _

_ “Not right now. It isn’t due until Tuesday, and it’s Thursday afternoon.” _

_ “Alright, but don’t leave it for the last minute.” Taehyun looked back down at his paper, but Beomgyu walked his fingers across the page so they were in his boyfriend’s line of sight, blocking what he was trying to read. Beomgyu made a peace sign and Taehyun tried to appear annoyed, but he couldn’t help but chuckle. _

_ “Babe-” _

_ “Come on Hyunie, let’s go get ice cream. You’ve worked so hard this week; you deserve it.” _

_ “Once I’m done. If you don’t want to do work right now that’s okay, but I have to finish this.” _

_ Beomgyu pouted. “I thought you liked me.” _

_ “I do love you, it’s just that I’m going to be really busy this weekend and I have to do this essay now if I want to turn it in, and it’s twenty five percent of my grade for the class, so I have to do it. I’m sorry.” Taehyun put a hand on Beomgyu’s cheek and held it for a moment, but then once again turned back to his assignment. He hadn’t noticed that Beomgyu was staring. _

_ “You...love me?” _

_ Taehyun looked up again. “Sorry, what?” _

_ “You said you love me.” _

_ “I-I did?” _

_ “Yeah. I said I thought you liked me, and you said you do love me.” _

_ “Oh. I, um, I thought you said loved.” _

_ “I, uh...I said liked.” _

_ “Hm.”  _

_ Beomgyu can’t remember the last time he felt this awkward with Taehyun. Probably when they first met, which was over a year ago. Even when they first started to date, being with Taehyun always felt easy and comfortable. But this moment was thick with tension and fear. _

_ “Well, I...I meant it.” _

_ “You did?” _

_ Taehyun looked down shyly. “Of course I did,” he said softly. On the outside Beomgyu just looked in shock, but on the inside, he was having the happiest moment of his life so far. He felt like there had been a crumpled up paper ball in his chest that had just smoothed itself out and turned into an origami swan. The world now felt impossibly brighter. Kang Taehyun loved him. _

_ “I love you too.” _

_ “Seriously?” _

_ Beomgyu nodded, smiling brilliantly. “Yes. I am in love with you, Kang Taehyun.” _

_ Taehyun smiled in relief and kissed Beomgyu, touching their foreheads together once their mouths broke apart.  _

_ “And I am in love with you, Choi Beomgyu.” Taehyun smiled before kissing Beomgyu’s nose and starting to pack up his things. _

_ “Let’s go get ice cream.” _

_ “No, you have to write this essay.” _

_ “Beom, we just said I love you for the first time. There’s no way I’m doing schoolwork after that.” _

_ “You don’t have to feel obligated to spend time with me. I know you want to work, and I want you to do what you want. It’s okay.” _

_ “I don’t feel obligated to spend time with you. I choose to, because I enjoy being around you.”  _

_ “But you do still want to write the essay, don’t you?” _

_ “I can want two things.” _

_ Beomgyu laughed. “How about you work now, and then we’ll get ice cream on our way back to my dorm and hang out then?” _

_ Taehyun kissed Beomgyu again. “Sounds luminous.” _

_ “Luminous?” _

_ “Yeah. Because I feel lit up inside when I’m around you.” _

_ Beomgyu grinned. “Come here, you big cheeseball.” _

Taehyun bit his lip to hold back tears.

He was only thinking of the good memories. Just living in the honeymoon phase and ignoring the reasons they broke up. Neglecting the fact that their relationship wasn’t always sunshine and rainbows. He knew that the fact that Beomgyu had made him happy in the past didn’t mean that their relationship was strong enough to endure if they tried again. They wouldn’t be a successful couple just because Taehyun still loved him. Relationships involved love, but they also involved a lot of hard work. Work that Taehyun was willing to put in, but sometimes no matter how hard you tried, things could still not work out. That could be true of him and Beomgyu. He knew all of these things. And knowing all of this combined with the fact that it was still an asshole move to interrupt a wedding, Taehyun felt the urge more than ever to back down and leave. Because it was what he should do. He shouldn’t be here. It was a bad idea that wouldn’t end well. It would be for the best if he left.

“Taehyun?!”

Taehyun felt his blood go cold. He’d been found. And by someone he knew, too.

“Yeonjun hyung.” 

Taehyun was too mortified to turn around and face his former exercise partner. (It really was unfortunate how many friends Taehyun lost when he and Beomgyu broke up.)

“What are you doing?”

“Being an idiot?”

“Are you planning to interrupt the wedding or something?”

Taehyun was quiet, and though he couldn’t see the older, he knew that Yeonjun was losing his shit. 

“Oh my god, I was joking. You’re going to try and win Beomgyu back when he’s supposed to be getting married?”

“I was going to, but I’ve changed my mind. I’m going to leave.”

Yeonjun was quiet, and Taehyun wondered if he was mad at him for even thinking of doing it in the first place. Though they had gotten close while Taehyun and Beomgyu were together, Yeonjun and Beomgyu were close enough to be brothers. That meant that he would not hesitate to fuck up anyone who hurt him, no matter what. If this wedding truly was what Beomgyu wanted, then Taehyun trying to interrupt it was definitely grounds for Yeonjun to give him a good beating.

“He misses you.”

Taehyun whirled around so quickly that it caused the curtain to flutter. “What? He does?”

Yeonjun chuckled at Taehyun’s eagerness. “Yeah. When you guys split he was devastated. It took me weeks to get him out of bed.”

Taehyun turned back around to glance at Beomgyu. “I thought breaking up was what he wanted.”

“He didn’t want to do it, but it was what you both needed.”

Taehyun sighed, memories of the last couple months washing over him. “Yeah. It was.”

_ “...Beom?” _

__

_ Taehyun saw Beomgyu’s shadow go still. Fear bubbled in his stomach. Every time they had seen each other lately they had fought, and Taehyun really didn’t want to fight again.  _

__

_ He gulped and walked into the living room. Beomgyu stood in the room’s entrance looking disheveled and exhausted. The bags under his eyes were unbelievably prominent, and it was a bit scary how much thinner he was. He didn’t seem dangerously skinny, it was just worrisome how much weight he’d lost in such a short amount of time. From across the room Taehyun could smell cigarettes. Taehyun inhaled deeply, trying to keep himself from falling apart. It hurt to see Beomgyu like this, but right now wasn’t about him. He had to be there for Beomgyu. _

__

_ “How can I help?” _

__

_ “How many times do I need to tell you that there’s nothing you can do? My brain is fucking broken and there’s no way of fixing it.” _

__

_ Taehyun’s chest ached. He moved forward, the distance between them suddenly becoming painful. “We don’t have to fix it, baby. We just need to find healthy ways to help you cope with it-” _

__

_ “Don’t spout bullshit at me from some sappy pamphlet.” _

__

_ “It’s not bullshit. There are ways to help you manage this-” _

__

_ “No, there aren’t. There’s nothing I can do. There’s nothing you can do. There’s nothing anyone can do. Nothing makes me happy anymore. There’s no reason to keep going. I don’t matter and life is fucking pointless. So stop pitying me, because it’s over.” _

__

_ Knowing that this was how Beomgyu felt made Taehyun want to cry. He hated that the man he loved was in so much pain. But what he said also scared him. He had never heard Beomgyu sound so hopeless. _

__

_ “You matter, baby. I don’t pity you, I want to help you. I want to remind you of the things you love and the people who care about you. You’re not alone.” _

__

_ “I will be.” _

__

_ “No, you won’t. No one’s going to leave you.” _

__

_ “You can’t promise that. You can’t guarantee that Soobin and Yeonjun won’t get bored of me because I don’t have much of a personality anymore. You can’t ensure that my parents won’t get frustrated with me continuing to lose jobs because I can’t get myself to get out of bed in the morning. You can’t say with certainty that you won’t eventually dump me because I’m too hard to love.” _

__

_ Taehyun had wanted to hold back tears because he didn’t want to make this about him, but it was impossible now. He stepped forward and threw his arms around Beomgyu, sobbing into his chest. _

__

_ “See. All I do is make you sad. It’s for the best if you leave.” _

__

_ “No,” Taehyun choked out. He met the older’s eyes, cupping his face with both hands. “ I love you, no matter what. That means I stay when it’s hard and you make mistakes because depression is getting the worst of you. You stayed when Songi died and I wasn’t very fun to be around. Because we’re together all the time, not just when it’s easy and simple. I want you no matter how you are.” Taehyun’s hands had moved down to Beomgyu’s neck while he spoke, and he tilted his boyfriend’s head down to touch their foreheads together. But Beomgyu moved his head back. _

__

_ “Your feelings about Songi were valid. Your little sister died. I’m just whiny and ungrateful and weak. I have everything a person needs to be happy, yet I’m still a fucking disaster.” _

__

_ “Your feelings  _ are _ valid. You are not whiny, ungrateful or weak. There’s a chemical imbalance in your brain that can affect anyone, no matter their circumstances. It’s not your fault.” _

__

_ Beomgyu shook his head. He put his hands on Taehyun’s and took them off his neck. “Don’t make excuses for me. I don’t deserve it.” Beomgyu walked over to the couch and sat down, and Taehyun followed, kneeling down next to him. _

__

_ “You haven’t done anything wrong. You can’t help having a mental illness.” _

__

_ “Stop trying to absolve me of it.” _

__

_ “There’s nothing to absolve you of. It’s not your fault that you feel this way. You didn’t choose to have depression.” _

__

_ “Go to bed. I don’t want to talk anymore.” _

__

_ “I’m not leaving you like this. We don’t have to talk, but I’m not leaving you alone.” _

__

_ “You should.” _

__

_ “Nothing you say is going to get me to give up on you.” _

__

_ Beomgyu stood up off the couch and walked to the window. “Please just go to bed.” _

__

_ “No. I need to make sure you stay safe.” _

__

_ It was so quiet that Taehyun wondered if he had imagined it, but he swore Beomgyu inhaled shakily. Like he was about to cry. Taehyun walked over to Beomgyu and put a hand on his shoulder, but before he could turn him around for a hug, Beomgyu slapped his hand away. He whirled around, eyes blazing angrily. _

__

_ “Can’t you fucking see that I’m trying to help you? I’m protecting you from me! I am trying to do you a favor. So please, just get out.” _

__

_ “I am not leaving-” _

__

_ “I’m a fucking monster!”  _

__

_ The world fell silent. Agonizingly silent.  _

_ Tears started to fall down Taehyun’s face once more, but this time they fell without a sound. _

__

_ “I’m a monster. A broken, worthless, hopeless monster. So you should really just go.” _

__

_ “Baby,” Taehyun whispered, eyes shining with even more tears. “I love you-” _

__

_ “Get. The fuck. Out!” _

__

_ Taehyun flinched at the volume of Beomgyu’s voice and reflexively stepped back. He immediately felt guilty for it and remorsefully looked into Beomgyu’s eyes. _

__

_ “I-” _

__

_ “You’re trying to make me feel better and I’m screaming at you. Scaring you.” _

__

_ “No, you didn’t scare me-” _

__

_ “I made you feel unsafe. I made you feel like you had to move away because you thought I might hurt you.” _

__

_ “No, I know you would never hurt me-” _

__

_ “But for a second you felt that way.” _

__

_ “Beomgyu-” _

__

_ “I told you. I’m a fucking monster,” Beomgyu said as he stomped out of the living room. Taehyun chased after him, once again sobbing. _

__

_ “I’m so, so sorry, Beom, I don’t know why I did that-” Beomgyu whirled back around, stopping in his tracks. _

__

_ “You shouldn’t be apologizing! You’re the one who did nothing wrong! I scared you! I made you feel unsafe. How could I ever make you feel that way? There’s something seriously wrong with me. I’m-I’m horrible.” _

__

_ “No, it’s not your fault-” _

__

_ “Yes it is. I may be depressed but I shouldn’t have screamed at you. I shouldn’t have made you feel scared.” _

__

_ “It’s okay-” _

__

_ “No, it’s not! You-” Beomgyu turned away, pressing his fist against his head. He bent down over his knees and Taehyun heard him make a strained sound like he did when he was trying not to cry. He slowly stood back up, but didn’t turn back to Taehyun. _

__

_ “You deserve someone who will treat you better than I do. Someone who will never make you feel unsafe. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry,” Beomgyu said before breaking into tears. He ran towards the door. _

__

_ “Beom, wait-” _

__

_ The door slammed shut. Taehyun knew he could still go after him, but something about the way the door closed after him made him feel like there was no point.  _

_ Taehyun went to get his phone and called both Yeonjun and Soobin and told them to find Beomgyu and stay with him to make sure he stayed safe. They both promised they would and Taehyun paced anxiously until Yeonjun called back and said he had found him. Once Taehyun knew Beomgyu was safe he threw his phone across the room and cried himself to sleep. _

“How has he been doing?” Taehyun had admittedly stalked Beomgyu’s social media a few times since their breakup, but what someone posted was never the full story.

“A lot better. He started therapy, and it’s definitely been helping him. Obviously there have been rough patches, but last week I saw him write in his feelings journal that he hasn’t had suicidal ideations with intent in two months.”

Taehyun felt like a weight had been lifted off of him. He hadn’t felt too worried about Beomgyu the past eight months, because the last time he talked to Yeonjun and Soobin he made them promise to take care of him. And Taehyun knew and trusted them enough to feel confident that they would do that. But he hadn’t known for sure, so it was a relief to get confirmation.

“I’m really glad.” Taehyun looked at Beomgyu again and his heart twisted painfully. Beomgyu was doing better. He was recovering and improving. He was in a happy, healthy relationship with someone else. He should go. Beomgyu didn’t need him anymore.

“I’m going to go. He was unhappy when we were together. It’s better for him if we never see each other again.”

“His unhappiness didn’t have anything to do with your relationship. It was one of the things that kept him going.”

“Then how come he’s doing so much better once I’m gone?”

“He needed to be single for a while-”

“Clearly not a very long while,” Taehyun said, gesturing to the room.

“He met Yongsun two weeks ago. They got engaged after knowing each other for twelve hours.”

“...what?”

“Soobin and I tried to stop him, but he insisted that this was the choice he wanted to make.”

“Why?! Why would he get engaged to someone he barely knows?”

“He came out to his parents and they didn’t take it well. Said that if he didn’t marry a woman he wouldn’t be part of the family anymore.”

“Wait a minute-he wasn’t out to his parents? I met them several times while we were dating!!”

“Did he ever introduce you to them as his boyfriend?”

Taehyun thought back to the times he’d spent with Beomgyu’s mother and father and realized that never at any point had they said or done anything in front of them that indicated they were a couple. They weren’t super into PDA, and it just had never crossed Taehyun’s mind that Beomgyu’s parents might not know. Taehyun had never asked Beomgyu if he was out; when Beomgyu said he wanted Taehyun to meet his parents he just assumed. 

“Three years. I can’t believe he kept that from me for three years.”

“Me either. I only found out recently that you didn’t know.”

“So he doesn’t want to marry Yongsun?”

“No. He barely knows her.”

“Why would  _ she _ agree to marrying him so quickly?”

“She’s been desperate to get married for years. Her parents are really traditional and have her convinced she’s only good for being a housewife.”

Taehyun shook his head. This whole day felt unreal. “This isn’t fair. He shouldn’t have to choose between his parent’s support and who he loves. He is bi, so if he does really fall in love with a girl then it’s fine, but he doesn’t love this girl. He shouldn’t have to marry someone he doesn’t know.”

“Yeah, I know. Deep down I think he knows that too, but he just really doesn’t want to lose them.”

“They always seemed so kind. I can’t believe they would do this to him.”

“Me either. It was a shock for all of us.”

“Well, if...if he wants to choose his family then that’s his choice.”

“I think we both know he’ll regret that choice.”

“You said you tried talking to him. What can we do?”

“You can do what you came here for.”

“I shouldn’t pressure him into walking away just because I want us to get back together. That’s selfish.”

“That’s not the reason you’re here. You were dubious as soon as you found out about this, weren’t you?”

“Well...yeah. It was hard not to be. Knowing him, it doesn’t make sense for him to get married eight months after breaking up with someone he dated for three years.”

“A part of you came because you knew something was off, right?”

Taehyun looked down, shoving his hands into his pockets. “The possibility crossed my mind.”

“You stopping him from going through with this isn’t for you. You’re saving him from decades of being miserable.”

“Okay, Yongsun does seem kind of bitchy but she can’t be that bad.”

“She’s not awful, but she’s not great either. Besides, being married to someone you don’t love, no matter what kind of person they are, will make you miserable. And if he’s going along with what our parents want, that would also mean him having to pretend to be someone he isn’t.”

Taehyun sighed. “You do have a point.”

“He won’t listen to me and Soobin. Please say something.”

Chatter started to die down and the organ music commenced. Yeonjun adjusted his tie.

“Guess they’re finally getting this show on the road. See you out there.”

“What makes you so sure I’m going to do it?”

“I’m not. Just trying to manifest it because you’re kind of my only hope.” Yeonjun walked away. 

Taehyun ran a hand through his hair. This day could not be more surreal. A part of him thought he was moments away from waking up, because this all had to be a dream, right? But the bigger part of him knew it wasn’t. He had a real life decision to make. Try to convince Beomgyu to walk out so he can live his life authentically and get married to someone because he wants to, or walk away now and let the man that he loved put on a mask for the rest of his life to please others. If Beomgyu wanted to please others more than he wanted to be himself, then Taehyun should let him do what he wanted. 

_ “Babe?” _

_ Beomgyu looked up and saw Taehyun standing in the doorway to the living room. His hair was adorably messy from sleep. _

_ “Why are you still awake?” _

_ “Evil depressive thoughts kept creeping in and distracting me from getting any shut-eye, so I decided to distract myself.” _

_ “By reading bridal magazines?” _

_ “I’m using the images to make a collage. Join me.” _

_ Taehyun shrugged but walked over and sat down next to his boyfriend on the floor. He was surrounded by cutouts of women in white gowns. “Guess it’s a good thing we didn’t throw these out when we moved in.” _

_ Beomgyu smiled. “Yeah, it is. I don’t know why, but thinking and fantasizing about weddings has been really comforting for me recently. It reminds me that I have something to look forward to.” _

_ Taehyun looked at Beomgyu in concern. “You have thoughts that make you feel like you have nothing to look forward to?” _

_ Beomgyu’s hands stilled for a moment. “Sometimes.” _

_ “I didn’t know it could get that bad.” _

_ “Me either.” _

_ There was a scary silence. Taehyun looped his arm through Beomgyu’s.  _

_ “In case you need a reminder, I’m always here to listen. If talking about it helps.” _

_ Beomgyu shrugged. “Sometimes talking helps. Sometimes it doesn’t. But thoughts like that aren’t super common, anyway. It usually doesn’t get that bad.” _

_ “But if it does, I’m here for you. Whatever you need.” _

_ Beomgyu put his hand over the hand Taehyun had on his arm. “I know. Thank you. But for now, I think doing stuff like this is enough to keep the monsters at bay.” _

_ “You’ve never expressed this much interest in weddings before. What changed?” _

_ Beomgyu turned to look at Taehyun and smiled. _

_ “Knowing that it won’t be too long until I can have one.” _

_ Taehyun blushed. “We’re getting married?” _

_ “No, I was planning on having my wedding with this guy named Rick, not sure if you know him? He’s a truck driver. I don’t know where you got the idea that we would be getting married, because that’s just really random.” _

_ Taehyun rolled his eyes at Beomgyu’s sarcastic teasing. “Seriously. You want to spend the rest of your life with me?” _

_ Beomgyu fully turned his body toward Taehyun and took both of his hands. “You know what you are to me?” _

_ “Your boyfriend?” _

_ “The sun. To me, you’re the sun. You’re my star and I orbit around you. Which means I need you. Which means yes, I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” _

_ “I want to spend the rest of my life with you too, you connoisseur of cheesy metaphors.” _

_ Beomgyu grinned and kissed Taehyun. “Good. Now come make a wedding pinterest board with me, my brain is saying annoying shit like  _ ‘he’ll change his mind’  _ or  _ ‘he doesn’t mean it.’ _ ” _

_ “Well shut up, Beomgyu’s brain. I totally mean it.” _

_ “Unfortunately it is not so easily convinced, so let’s drown it out with centerpiece ideas.” _

Beomgyu loved weddings. They made him happy, and were a source of comfort and hope. He had always been so excited for when he’d have his. In dark moments, they were one of the things that kept him going. Taehyun couldn’t let that be ruined for him. He couldn’t control what Beomgyu would do or say once he said his piece, but what kind of person would Taehyun be if he didn’t at least try to preserve the thing that had always been Beomgu’s light at the end of the tunnel?

__

So when he heard the preacher say “Speak now or forever hold your peace,” Taehyun emerged from the curtains, his hands shaking. He knew he was probably receiving many horrified looks, but his eyes were glued to the groom, whose shocked expression would probably be funny if they were in a different situation.

__

“Tae-Taehyun?”

__

“Hi,” Taehyun said breathlessly. “Look, I know it’s really crazy of me to be doing this. I know I shouldn’t be doing this and it’s not like me. But it’s also not like you to marry the wrong person.”

__

The crowd gasped, and Taehyun saw Beomgyu’s shock filled eyes grow even wider.. “Are you saying that  _ you’re _ the right person?”

__

Taehyun’s stomach swooped, but he ignored it as best as he could. “That’s not the point. I’m doing this because you deserve better than to marry someone you barely know. You deserve

better than to marry someone just to make other people happy. You deserve better than to marry someone because you were given a shitty ultimatum. You deserve better than all of this, and I want you to have it. I want you to be happy. You deserve to be happy.”

Beomgyu’s expression was heartbreaking. He seemed confused and conflicted but also touched in a way Taehyun didn’t think he deserved.

“How do you know-”

“A little birdie told me. A canary, actually.” Taehyun quickly met eyes with Yeonjun, who smiled and tucked a lock of his neon yellow hair behind his ear.

“I get that you were given a really tough choice. It’s not fair that you were put in this position. You should have just been accepted the way you are. But unfortunately that’s not the case, so here we are in this lose lose situation. And it’s your choice to make, at the end of the day, but I just really want to make sure you understand what you’re getting yourself into. Having to be someone you’re not, being married to an acquaintance, being surrounded by people who don’t want you unless you’re pretending...there’s a lot of cons here. Not to mention how much I know you were looking forward to your own wedding. You should get to have one that lives up to your fantasies, and no matter how pretty everything looks here, I know it doesn’t.”

Beomgyu looked toward his parents in the first pew (who appeared furious) and then back to Taehyun, distraught. He walked to the younger, who suppressed a gasp at being so close to Beomgyu again after so long.

“I don’t know what to do, I really don’t want to lose them but I also don’t want to lose myself; how can I choose between them?”

“Just think about which option is more likely to lead to the most happiness for you. Remember that you won’t be alone if you choose to walk away right now. You have people like Soobin and Yeonjun...and me, if you want that.”

Beomgyu looked up into Taehyun’s eyes. “That’s a possibility?”

“...yes, but that’s not the point right now. The point is that you should do what you want, and what you think will make you happiest. If you really think it’s going through with this, then go ahead. I’ll leave and you’ll never see me again. But if that’s not what you want, I’m here.”

“Why do you only stay in one of those scenarios?”

“I-I just thought you’d only want me in the second scenario.”

“Taehyun, there is no scenario in which I do not want you,” Beomgyu said, his hand reaching for Taehyun’s. When they touched Taehyun swear he felt electricity crackle between them. What a long eight months it had been without being near this beautiful, incredible man.

“Then I’m here. No matter what you decide.” 

Beomgyu nodded and went back to the altar to talk to his bride.

“Yongsun-”

“I know, I know. I thought so. I didn’t want to do this anyway, so you’re doing both of us a favor. Now get out of here already.”

Beomgyu smiled and gave Yongsun a quick hug before rushing over to his parents.

“Guys-”

“Choi Beomgyu if you do not get back up on that altar this instant we will never speak to you again,” Mrs. Choi said firmly. Taehyun saw Beomgyu shrink back and he quickly walked over to his side.

“You should be ashamed of yourselves. What kind of parents don’t accept their own child? He’s the same Beomgyu you’ve always known. His capacity to have feelings for the same gender doesn’t change anything about him. It doesn’t determine his personality or his actions. And him loving men is no different than him loving women. This shouldn’t change anything. He’s still your son, and you’re terrible people for pushing him away over something he can’t change about himself. If you were going to have kids, you should have been ready to love and support them no matter what. Shame on you.” 

Mr. and Mrs. Choi stared at Taehyun in shock, jaws dropped.

“Who are you to talk to us like that?”

Beomgyu took Taehyun’s hand. “The love of my life.”

And then he started running, pulling Taehyun along with him, and then they were out of the church and going down the street, moving far, far away from the massive mistake Beomgyu almost made and the monsters that called themselves his mother and father.

“So, you’re-your hair’s blonde.”

“Oh, uh, yeah. Did it last month.” Beomgyu looked at Taehyun’s head suddenly, as if he had just noticed it. 

“Yours is red.”

“Yup. Seungmin did it for me a few weeks ago.”

“Cool.”

Silence smothered them again, and Taehyun looked out the window of the bus they were on, his brain rattling. What were they doing? Where were they going? What was their plan? The movies never provided the scene after the big wedding interruption. What came next? And how did he address the gargantuan elephant in the room?

“I’m really sorry about how things ended.”

This was the last thing Taehyun expected Beomgyu to say.

“What?”

“I’m really sorry that our relationship had to end the way it did, and that the last couple months of it were so...shitty. I’m sorry that I always got mad at you and picked fights, and I’m sorry I raised my voice that time and scared you. I’m sorry I took my pain out on you. You were just trying to help. I wasn’t fair to you, and I’m sorry. My mental illness is no excuse for what I put you through.”

Taehyun didn’t think he had ever felt such a strong desire to hug someone. He felt a peace and gratitude that he didn’t know he needed. He hadn’t really been mad at Beomgyu. He hadn’t held most of his actions against him. But he knew deep down that he should have. Like Beomgyu said, having a mental illness is not an excuse for mistreating someone. Taehyun thought a hug might be a bit too soon, so he put his hand on Beomgyu’s knee.

“Thank you. I...I’ve tried to make excuses for you, and push aside the times when you did make me feel bad, but I shouldn’t. Because you should be held accountable. Thanks for doing that for me, I guess.”

Beomgyu nodded, and hesitantly placed his hand over Taehyun’s. It was with the caution that he exhibited when their relationship had first gone beyond platonic, and the innocence of it made Taehyun smile. It was quiet between them again, but this kind of quiet didn’t feel weird. This was a good quiet, this one with a bit more comfort and tranquility. But silence was made to be broken, so eventually Taehyun spoke again.

“How are you feeling right now?”

Beomgyu sighed. “Leaving that wedding was the second hardest thing I’ve ever done. I know I’m not going to be alone, but...I just lost my family. So I’m heartbroken. But at the same time, I haven’t felt this hopeful in a while. Since coming out life has basically been hell. Now I’m free. Thank you for that.”

“Of course.” Taehyun pursed his lips in curiosity, which Beomgyu saw out of the corner of his eye.

“Go ahead.”

“What?”

“You want to ask me something. I can tell. So fire away.”

“You said that leaving the wedding was the second hardest thing you’ve ever done. What was the first?”

Beomgyu didn’t even take a beat to think about it before responding.

“Breaking up with you.”

_ “You’re-you’re here. Hi.” _

_ “Hey.” _

_ Beomgyu hadn’t come back to his and Taehyun’s apartment in almost two weeks. Soobin and Yeonjun had been keeping an eye on him and updating Taehyun on how he was, but the younger hadn’t physically seen him in twelve days. The last time he was here he barely spoke at all; just lay in bed and let the days pass by. It hurt Taehyun to admit, but he hadn’t seen Beomgyu be like himself in quite a while now. Depression had this way of stripping you of all joy and motivation until you were an empty husk. Taehyun may not have felt it himself, but he saw it firsthand. _

_ “Have you been feeling any better?” Taehyun asked as he sat down next to Beomgyu at the kitchen table.  _

_ “We need to talk.” _

_ “Okay.” _

_ Beomgyu exhaled. “We should break up.” _

_ And with just four little words, Taehyun’s world shattered. _

_ “Wh-what?” _

_ “I’ve thought a lot about this, and I came to the conclusion that we can’t be together anymore. The way things are right now are doing more harm than good. It’s just for the best if we go our separate-” _

_ “Stop talking like that.” _

_ “Like what?” _

_ “Like some sort of robot that doesn’t care. This shouldn’t some cut and dry, no big deal, easy run of the mill decision.” _

_ “It isn’t-” _

_ “Then why aren’t you crying? Or showing any emotion at all? Why do you seem so nonchalant about it?” _

_ “I don’t know what to tell you. I’m not really the most passionate person anymore.” _

_ “No. I know you’re going through a hard time right now, but your emotions aren’t just gone. There’s a part of you somewhere in there that cares-” _

_ “You think I don’t care? I’m doing this  _ because  _ I care. This is what’s best for you.” _

_ “You don’t get to decide what’s best for me.” _

_ “You really think keeping things the way they are right now is what’s best for you? Hardly sleeping or eating, calling Soobin or Yeonjun every hour to check on me-” _

_ “How do you know those things?” _

_ “I ask them about you too. But the point is that you worrying about me is going to ruin your life.” _

_ “You think I won’t worry about you just because we’re not together? Love isn’t some light switch that flips on and off. I’ll still care even if you stop being my boyfriend. If you want me to not worry about you to the point where it’s becoming damaging, then you can start going to therapy, and coming back to the apartment, and talking to me-” _

_ “I can’t do those things.” _

_ “I know that trying to get better is hard, but-” _

_ “I’m not strong enough.” _

_ Taehyun paused. This illness had taken away a lot of who Beomgyu was the past few months, but no matter how different he was behaving, the one thing that Taehyun felt could never change was Beomgyu’s heart. Beomgyu would always try to put others before himself and do everything in his power to bring joy to the people he cared about. When it came to his loved ones, he never backed down. He had been saying some things lately that made it sound like he wasn’t going to try anymore, but Taehyun just thought they were dark thoughts from the product of a really bad day. Never, in all the years Taehyun had known Beomgyu, had a moment like this come, where someone was suggesting things Beomgyu could do for another person, and he said no. He would never. Taehyun knew him better than that. Which meant he was lying. _

_ “Wow. Wow,” Taehyun said as he stood up. _

_ “What is it?” _

_ “What is it, you ask? Well for starters, you’re a coward. And you just lied to me.” _

_ “What? I would never-” _

_ “You claim that you’re doing this for me, but if you actually were trying to do what’s best for me, you’d try to get better. You want to say that you’re ending things for my sake to ease your conscience, but you’re doing it because you don’t want to have to deal with me anymore. And that’s fine, if you stopped loving me, then sure, but at least say so instead of trying to hide behind a lie that makes you seem selfless.” _

_ For the first time in a while, Taehyun saw emotion color Beomgyu’s expression. “Taehyun-” _

_ “You want to leave? Go. I’ll help you pack.” Taehyun went over to their storage closet to get Beomgyu’s yellow duffel bag. He marched around the living room, picking up objects and stuffing them inside. _

_ “Remember this, Beom? The teddy bear you got for me at the baseball game that we went to for our second date. Oh look, it’s the vinyl record I gave you for our anniversary! One of the bubble solutions that was part of the party bags we made for when your nephew had his birthday party here. The notebook where we wrote down the ridiculous recipes we created after you lost a bet with Soobin and couldn’t order food for a month. This picture from the day we graduated, the vase my mom gave us as a housewarming gift, your guitar that I got signed by Jae of Day6, our stupid matching couples keychains-” _

_ “Tae-” _

_ Taehyun zipped up the bag and threw it at Beomgyu, who caught it. _

_ “All those memories? You can have them. They’re yours now. Go ahead and treat them like the worthless garbage they are.” _

_ “You think I find our memories worthless?” _

_ “Why wouldn’t you? You stopped loving me, so why still care about them?” _

_ “I’m doing this because I lo-” _

_ “Shut up!” _

_ The duffel bag slipped out of Beomgyu’s grasp, falling to the floor. He tried to walk towards Taehyun, but the younger moved back. _

_ “Don’t. Don’t you dare,” Taehyun whispered. His eyes were shining with tears yet to fall. _

_ “I know you think that you’re doing me a favor, and trying to protect me from you, but like I said before, you don’t get to decide what’s best for me. Who are you to tell me what I need?” _

_ “Someone who loves you and wants you to be happy. I’ve put you through a lot of pain recently, and recovery isn’t easy. It’s only going to get harder, and I don’t want you to have to suffer anym-” _

_ “You are going to try and get better?” _

_ Beomgyu exhaled. “Yeah. I am.” _

_ “So you did lie before when you said you weren’t strong enough.” _

_ Beomgyu’s face fell. “What? No, I-” _

_ “You are willing to try and live a safer, healthier life. You just didn’t want me to know that. You wanted me to just think you were a lost cause who was only going to make my life miserable. You wanted me to believe that so I’d leave.” _

_ “That’s not what I meant at all-” _

_ “So what did you mean? What were you thinking when you lied? Or did you change your mind about recovery in the last five minutes? And if that’s the case, what’s the issue here? If you’re going to turn over a new leaf, why do we have to break up?” _

_ Beomgyu opened his mouth, at a loss for words. Another thing that never happened. He looked down at the floor and then back up at Taehyun. _

_ “Well?” _

_ “I’m not…” _

_ Taehyun waited patiently, because although on the outside he was all tough and angry, internally he was hoping against hope that they could figure this out and not break up. _

_ “I’m not good enough for you.” _

_ Silent tears went down Taehyun’s face. He nodded and sighed. _

_ “You’ve really made up your mind about this. You’re really...giving up on us.” _

_ And now Beomgyu was crying. He looked down at the ground, and then back up at Taehyun. He walked over to the younger and took his hands. _

_ “I’m so sorry, Tae. I wish things didn’t have to end, but this is reality, and reality isn’t really fond of wish granting.” _

_ “I can’t,” Taehyun said, suddenly walking away and grabbing his jacket from the coat rack. _

_ “Where are you going?” _

_ “To Seungmin’s. I’ll be back in a week, so get all of your shit out of here by then.” _

_ “I really am sorry-” _

_ “Yeah. I am too.” _

_ And just like that, it was over. _

_ When Taehyun came back a week later, all of Beomgyu’s belongings were gone. Not a single item had been left behind. Even the sweaters that Taehyun had stolen from Beomgyu and had worn so much that they eventually became his. Taehyun waited to hear something from Beomgyu for days, but he never did. He kept hoping, like a fool, that Beomgyu would eventually come back to him and beg for them to get back together. But he never did.  _

Taehyun looked at Beomgyu guiltily.

“I’m really sorry for all the things I said then.”

“No, don’t be. You were just trying to fight for us.”

“I still shouldn’t have called you a coward.”

“You were right though. I was being a coward.”

Taehyun’s eyes softened. “Beom-“

“I was too scared to spell out what I really wanted. Which was a break. I just wanted us to take a break, because at the time I really wasn’t in the right headspace to be dating someone.”

“Why were you afraid to say that?”

“Because a break implied that we’d get back together, but I was scared that I would take too long to feel better and you’d get tired of waiting for me and leave. So I pushed you away before you could abandon me. I selfishly tried to prevent my own heartbreak, but I was heartbroken anyway.”

“It wasn’t selfish,” Taehyun said softly. “I get it. I just don’t know how else I was supposed to prove to you that I cared and didn’t want to lose you. No matter what I did, you refused to accept that I wanted to be with you.”

“I know. I’m sorry for that, and for not being fully honest with you.”

“We both made mistakes. But it’s in the past now, so no more apologizing, okay?”

Beomgyu nodded. “Okay.”

Taehyun was surprised. He expected pushback. For Beomgyu to protest because he deserved to be punished for his mistakes. If they had this conversation eight months ago, he would have gone on and on about what a terrible person he was and how Taehyun deserved better and should leave him. He at least just wouldn’t forgive himself so easily. But it seemed he had changed.

“By the way, Yeonjun hyung mentioned you’re in therapy.”

“Yeah, I am. Started not long after we broke up. Some days I feel like I’m climbing uphill, but it does help. I’m a lot stronger than I was before.”

“I’m so glad. You deserve to be happy.”

Beomgyu smiled. “Thank you. You do too. How have you been the past eight months?”

“The first couple months after we broke up were pretty rough, but I’ve mostly been good. I became an uncle.”

“No way! Myungdae settled down?”

“Yeah, he kind of had to after getting one of his one night stands pregnant. She wanted to give the baby up for adoption, but he surprised us all and insisted on looking after them. And so far he’s been a really great dad.”

“That’s awesome. Tell him I say congrats.”

“I will.” Taehyun started to ponder asking something that had been on his mind ever since the baby was born and decided to say it before he could talk himself out of it.

“You think she knows?”

Beomgyu knew who Taehyun was talking about immediately, without him having to say anything. “Definitely. And she’s very excited about it.”

“Sucks that she never got to have kids.”

“I know. Remember that lunch we had with her and her boyfriend? That was the last time I saw her. She kept cooing at every child that came into the restaurant.” 

Taehyun smiled. “Yeah, I remember. She made us promise to adopt before too long because she wanted to be around kids but couldn’t have her own because she just found the cancer came back.”

“Yeah.” Beomgyu rubbed his thumb back and forth across the back of Taehyun’s hand, reminding Taehyun that Beomgyu’s hand was still on top of his. “She would have been a great aunt.”

“You already know that I don’t believe in most afterlife stuff, but it makes me feel better to imagine that she’s up there somewhere, looking after all the little kids who died too soon. Just..if she is anywhere, I hope she’s happy.”

“She is. She deserved to be, and I think at the end of the day the universe gives everyone what they deserve.”

Taehyun’s eyes watered, so he blinked rapidly to get the tears away. “Anyway! Enough about my dead sister. Why don’t we get something to eat and you can tell me what else you’ve been up to the last eight months other than therapy?”

“Are you asking me out on a date, Mr. Kang?”

Taehyun laughed as a pang of nostalgia went through him.

_ “Taehyun!” _

_ Taehyun rolled his eyes, having recognized the voice. When he turned around he saw Choi Beomgyu running up to him. _

_ “Hello, Choi sunbae.” _

_ “When will you stop being so formal? We’re friends, call me hyung.” _

_ “We barely know each other, sunbae. Besides, I don’t have time for friends.” _

_ “That’s a shame. Do you have time for boyfriends?” _

_ Taehyun was not expecting that. “Wh-what?” _

_ Beomgyu laughed. “You’re cute when you’re flustered. Anyway, you’re the only underclassmen that lives in my building that I know, so I thought I’d ask you for help with fixing the desk in my room.” _

_ “Can’t you ask your roommate?” _

_ “Nope, I have a single.” _

_ “Wait, why do you have to ask an underclassmen?” _

_ “I don’t, but all my friends are already busy and stressed because professors have no mercy during junior and senior year. So what do you say? I’ll feed you for your trouble.” _

_ Taehyun sighed and turned on his phone to display his lockscreen, which was his schedule. “Thursday. 6pm. Order makchang.” _

_ “I was thinking ramen.” _

_ “If I’m going to help you, you’re not going to be cheap with your payment.” _

_ Beomgyu raised his hands in defense. “Fine, fine. I’ll get your old people food.” _

_ “See you then, sunbae.” _

_ As the week went on and Thursday edged closer and closer, Taehyun felt himself grow more and more anxious. He was going to be alone in a small dorm room with the charming, smiley, frustratingly adorable ball of energy that was Choi Beomgyu, and while he was unaffected by his antics on the outside, he melted at every wink and giggle on the inside. But if he was good at hiding it, then what was the problem? Why did it matter if he melted, since the melting was internal? It mattered because that melting was a feeling, and after the year he’d had, Taehyun was really trying to avoid feelings. So if at any point during this desk making session Beomgyu made him feel, Taehyun was determined to shove it down.  _

_ “Welcome to my humble abode, Taehyunie! Watch your step, my cousin from America has been sending lots of plushies to keep me company.” _

_ Taehyun was tempted to smile at all the little Molangs and bunnies on the floor, but he cleared his throat instead. “Like I said before, I don’t have time for friends, so it’s probably for the best if we speak formally.” _

_ “Alright then, Mr. Kang,” Beomgyu said teasingly. Taehyun felt infuriated by the way his cheeks heated up. _

_ “No, that’s not-I didn’t mean that, I was thinking you’d just say Taehyun-ssi-I-you know what, call me whatever you want.” _

_ Beomgyu laughed, and Taehyun forced himself to ignore the way his heart flipped at the sound. “I feel bad for teasing, but your reactions are just so cute! It’s hard to resist.” _

_ “A-anyway, the table?” _

_ “Why don’t we eat first? Get our energy up.” _

_ “Um-okay, I guess.” _

_ Taehyun took off his backpack and sat down on the floor cross legged. Beomgyu got the food and Taehyun noticed that he had ordered jokbal for himself. _

_ “Not a fan of makchang?” Taehyun asked before he remembered that he shouldn’t. _

_ “Nope, but to be fair I’m not a fan of a lot of foods. My palate is pretty undeveloped.” _

_ Taehyun wanted to respond with some teasing banter, but instead he just nodded and unwrapped his chopsticks. They ate in silence. Taehyun looked around the room and noticed that despite the fact Beomgyu had it all to himself, it was pretty sparsely decorated. The only distinguishing items were a sparkly blue pencil case, purple Beat headphones and an orange Ryan plushie on the bed. Taehyun tilted his head, wondering why Beomgyu just let all the plushies from his cousin collect dust on the floor when they could be on his bed or even the empty bookshelves. With the kind of personality Beomgyu had, Taehyun expected his walls to be covered in photos and drawings, but maybe he was busy or just preferred minimalism. It would surprise Taehyun, but then again, Beomgyu loved to surprise him. Like by noticing where Taehyun’s eyes went and seemingly reading his mind. _

_ “Sorry for the lackluster interior design. I’m a chronic procrastinator, so I haven’t gotten around to putting up my BTS posters yet.” _

_ “BTS posters?” _

_ Beomgyu put up a finger and set down his chopsticks. He ran into the bathroom and emerged a few moments later with some long plastic tubes. He opened them to reveal seven massive and very colorful posters of BTS. _

_ “I’m a really big ARMY. Do you listen to them?” _

_ “No, I’m not really a fan of idols.” _

_ “Why does that not surprise me?” _

_ Curiosity piqued Taehyun. “What’s that supposed to mean?” _

_ “Of course you’re the pretentious guy who doesn’t listen to idol music because you think you’re above all of that lighthearted poppy stuff.” _

_ “That’s not why! I’m not pretentious.” _

_ “Oh yeah? Then knowing that BTS’s current concept is heavily influenced by Jungian psychology doesn’t make your respect for them increase in the slightest?” _

_ Taehyun opened and closed his mouth. “It-it does.” _

_ Beomgyu laughed and Taehyun couldn’t keep from cracking a smile. The way his eyes lingered on Taehyun while rolling the posters up made Taehyun feel exposed to the point where he shivered. But that was a feeling. And he couldn’t have feelings. So he looked away and resumed eating. _

_ “So if you’re not a fan of idols, what music are you interested in?” _

_ Taehyun shrugged. “A lot of stuff.” He was trying to disengage from the conversation so Beomgyu would stop trying to get to know him and they could keep this evening all business. That was the safest route to take to prevent Taehyun from having feelings. _

_ “Like what?” Beomgyu asked innocently. _

_ “Stuff you wouldn’t know.” _

_ “Try me.” _

_ “Old stuff.” _

_ “Oh, I get it now. You’re into like, traditional folk music, aren’t you? Or classical musicians, like Yun Isang and Son Yeol Eum.” _

_ Taehyun’s head whipped up automatically. “You know who Yun Isang and Son Yeol Eum are?” _

_ “Yeah! My palate may be pretty small when it comes to food, but it’s massive in terms of music. I like idol groups, hip hop, R&B, and classical music. My dad has a huge collection of vinyl records that he played for me growing up, so it helped me develop a love for all kinds of genres.” _

_ “Oh. Cool.”  _

_ “He’s also the reason I ended up pursuing music. He bought me my first guitar and taught me chords. Do you play any instruments? Other than your voice.” _

_ “My voice?” _

_ “I’ve heard you sing when you think no one’s listening. It always sounds beautiful.” _

_ “No, I don’t really sing.” _

_ “You should. In fact, you should sing with me right now!” Beomgyu scrambled under his desk to get his guitar before Taehyun could object.  _

_ “Search up ‘V Sweet Night lyrics’. The song is in English, but it’s easy. Trust me, you’ll love it.” _

_ “D-don’t you think we should just focus on fixing the table?” _

_ “Oh c’mon, we can have a little fun first. Now get to searching.” _

_ The sparkle in Beomgyu’s eyes made it feel impossible for Taehyun to say no, so he did as he was asked. The older tuned his guitar while Taehyun looked over the lyrics, racking his brain for any memories of English classes from when he was younger. Before he knew it Beomgyu had straightened up and was excitedly exclaiming that he was ready. _

_ “I learned how to play this song last week but I haven’t had the chance to show it off to anyone yet. I hope you know how lucky that makes you, Taehyun-ssi.” _

_ “Yup. Alright, let’s get this over with.” _

_ Beomgyu laughed. “That’s the spirit.” _

_ With that, he started to play. Taehyun almost missed his cue to start singing from staring at Beomgyu. How his hair fell in his eyes and how his nimble fingers effortlessly moved between the frets, to his smile at hearing Taehyun’s voice and the creases in his forehead from the expressions he made while singing, Taehyun was entranced. He couldn’t keep himself from staring, and eventually Beomgyu noticed and started to stare back, so they were now singing and staring into each other’s eyes. _

_ “My heart is pounding tonight, I wonder if you are too good to be true, and would it be alright if I pulled you closer…” _

_ Beomgyu’s hands stilled. The silence in the room was deafening. Beomgyu started to lean in and Taehyun gasped softly. Beomgyu stopped. _

_ “Is this okay?” _

_ Taehyun wanted to say yes, he was about to say yes, but then he remembered his rule. This moment was drenched in emotions, and if he let Beomgyu continue then it would only get worse. He couldn’t allow that. _

_ “A-actually, no. It’s not.” _

_ Beomgyu leaned back. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.” _

_ “No, it’s fine. You didn’t.” _

_ There was an awkward quiet, and Taehyun realized he couldn’t look at the other boy without feeling things anymore. _

_ “I’m sorry, but I have to go.” Taehyun put his backpack on and went to put on his shoes. _

_ “Oh. Um-okay. I’ll see you around, then?” _

_ “Yeah, see you around.” Taehyun walked out the door and closed it behind him, leaning against it and starting to sob once the barrier had been created between them. This no feelings thing was a lot harder than he had thought it would be. He decided to call his little sister Songi for comfort as soon as he got back to his dorm room. _

_ “Taehyun?” _

_ “Hi,” Taehyun said shakily. He sat down on his bed and exhaled, tremendously grateful that his roommate was currently out. _

_ “Not that I’m complaining, but we just talked yesterday. Is everything okay?” _

_ “No,” Taehyun blubbered immediately. He could never hide things from Songi.  _

_ “Tell me what happened.” _

_ “There’s this person, and they make me feel things, but I don’t want to feel things, but then they were about to kiss me but I told them I didn’t want them to kiss me even though I do because I’m scared of feeling things.” _

_ “Why are you so against having emotions?” _

_ Taehyun was quiet for a moment and Songi groaned. _

_ “It has to do with me, doesn’t it?” _

_ “...Kind of?” Taehyun sighed. “Seeing you go through chemo and radiation was really hard. And I was really scared for a while that you would...you know. And I know it’s okay now and you’re cancer free, but the experience just made me hesitant to bring more people into my heart because the more people you care about, the more likely it is you’ll feel pain.” _

_ “Oh, big brother. What a fool you are.” _

_ “Excuse me?” _

_ “It’s impossible to not feel things. Even if you distance yourself from this person, you’ll still feel things for them. And no matter how far you try to run from love, it’ll find you. I know it’s scary because you don’t want to get hurt, but that’s what life is about. Taking risks and jumping even though it’s scary. Because ultimately what makes it all worth it is love, and love comes with risks, but it also comes with rewards.” _

_ Taehyun was speechless. “Since when...did you know all of that stuff?” _

_ “Hey, I’m not that much younger than you. I can be wise. Also having a terminal illness makes you think about life and the meaning of it quite a bit.” _

_ “Makes sense. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with me.” _

_ “Of course, pupil of mine.” Taehyun could picture Songi’s smile in his head. “So you gonna go get your person?” _

_ Taehyun exhaled. “Yeah. I think I am.” _

_ “Good luck. And Taehyun?” _

_ “Yeah?” _

_ “You know that...who you love could never make me stop loving you. You know that, right?” _

_ “Wait do you-do you know?” _

_ “I don’t know anything. I just started to suspect...some things when you were in high school from the way you looked at your friends sometimes. Also the fact that you always use gender neutral pronouns when talking about someone you like. And that I’ve never seen you show any interest in a girl whatsoever.” _

_ “Okay, yeah. I’m gay.” _

_ “Cool. Thank you for telling me.” _

_ Taehyun snorted. “I didn’t really tell you, you figured it out.” _

_ “I didn’t really know until you just said it. Just because I had a hunch doesn’t mean I knew for sure.” _

_ “I guess so. And thanks, by the way. For being cool about it.” _

_ “You don’t have to thank me, big brother. Accepting you isn’t hard for me to do. It’s what everyone should do.” _

_ Taehyun smiled. “You’re right, but thanks anyways. Love you.” _

_ “Love you too. And next time, you have to tell me all about this boy. In exchange I’ll tell you about the boy in my class I’m crushing on.” _

_ “I can’t believe a day has come where I can talk about boys with my sister.” _

_ “The world is changing faster than you think, big brother.” _

_ After hanging up with Songi, Taehyun sprung into action. You see, he could just approach Beomgyu, explain to him what happened and apologize, but that was a little boring. Taehyun got the feeling that Beomgyu would prefer some...pizzazz. So a week later, he was now standing in front of Beomgyu’s door, doing his best to bring the pizzazz. Except when Taehyun knocked there was no response. He persisted for a bit but eventually had to conclude that Beomgyu wasn’t there and he would have to come back another day. Taehyun walked back to his room and was surprised to find that the boy he’d been looking for was already there. _

_ “Choi sunbae?” _

_ Beomgyu looked up, as he had been leaning against a wall on his phone. Upon spotting Taehyun he put it away and walked over to him. _

_ “Taehyun-ssi, hi. I’ve been wanting to talk to you and apologize for last Thursday, I really didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable-” _

_ “You don’t have to apologize. You didn’t make me uncomfortable. You didn’t do anything wrong.” _

_ “Well if I didn’t do anything wrong, why did you run away?” _

_ Taehyun got his phone out and handed it to Beomgyu. “I wanted to express my feelings in a song, but I can’t write music so...here’s the next best thing.” _

_ Beomgyu raised an eyebrow curiously. He handed the phone back to Taehyun. “Read it to me.” _

_ “Out-out loud? Here? Right now?” _

_ “Yup.” _

_ “Uh...okay.” Taehyun took a deep breath in and exhaled. He could do this.  _

“The scars may have healed

But I still remember how they stung

This battle may be over

But there’s always a war to be won

We may get to enjoy the moonlight

But what if we lost the sun? 

This game is dangerous

It’s best if I run

But I can’t

Because you’re standing in my way

A treacherous path, a reckless journey

It’s hard to say

Which choice is the right one to make

They could both lead to heartbreak

But if I play it safe

I might live with regret

And yearn to go back and undo the mistake

That is leaving you

Because if I’m being honest

You burn too bright to just be ignored

I can’t keep my mind from drifting to you

When I’m busy and when I’m bored

You’re skipping around my imagination

With a teasing remark and million dollar smile

And I just have to accept

That I’m going to be here a while.

There are reasons to be afraid

But there are also reasons to be brave

I don’t want to give into fear

A life controlled by caution

Is a life of shame

Because those who live that life

Are in the coward’s lane

That used to be me

But now I want to change

Underneath it all, I’m still terrified

There’s a voice in my head saying that if I run away now, it’ll all be fine

But I think hearts were made to be broken

And my spirit will most likely be lost

If never on any of my ventures

Do I have to pay a great cost.”

_ “Whoa.” _

_ “Is that a good whoa?” _

_ “Yeah, it’s a whoa of awe. I had no idea you could write like that.” _

_ Taehyun rubbed his neck shyly. “Yeah, I don’t really show it off. You’re actually only the fourth person I’ve ever shown one of my poems.” _

_ “Who were the first three?” _

_ “My best friend Seungmin, my dad, my little sister, and a boy that I liked when I was thirteen.” _

_ Beomgyu’s eyes widened. “Wait, you do like boys?” _

_ “Uh, yeah? I’m gay. I thought I made it kind of clear with the poem.” _

_ “I didn’t want to assume! You could just feel regrets because you don’t want to miss out on this friendship.” _

_ Taehyun giggled. “While I would definitely treasure your friendship, I am admittedly kind of hoping for a bit more.” _

_ “Oh really?” _

_ “Yes. Would you like to get bubble tea with me sometime?” _

_ “Are you asking me out on a date, Mr. Kang?” _

_ Taehyun smiled. “Yes, Beomgyu hyung. I’m asking you out on a date.” _

_ Beomgyu beamed. “Well I am definitely saying yes.” _

_ “Awesome. That’s...awesome.” The two boys smiled at each other for a moment, both feeling giddy and content. _

_ “Oh, and I should come by your place again to actually help you fix that desk.” _

_ “Oh, about that...my desk never really needed fixing. It was just an excuse to spend time with you.” _

_ “Really?” _

_ Beomgyu nodded shyly and Taehyun squealed internally. He was afraid of what could come from pursuing a relationship, but he was doing it anyway. Because life was about taking leaps off of cliffs just in case that one of those times you jump off, you end up flying. Taehyun didn’t know for sure if Beomgyu was going to become his wings or leave him to fall, but there was only one way to find out. _

“Taehyun? Hello? Taehyun?”

“Wh-what?”

__

“You spaced out on me. You okay?”

__

Taehyun was about to say he was fine and that he had just been reminiscing on how they ended up going on their first date, but a realization struck him like lightning.

__

“Beomgyu...I can’t.”

__

“You can’t what?”

__

“I can’t...go on a date with you.”

__

“...r-right, of course. We’re broken up. I understand.” Beomgyu pulled his hand away from Taehyun’s and stared straight ahead, which caused Taehyun’s heart to ache.

__

“It’s not that I don’t want to. I really do, it’s just that eight months isn’t that long. And you were in a really dark place. And most recently you’ve had to go through all this coming out drama and wedding stuff, so it’s not like you’ve been able to fully dedicate our time apart to self-improvement. And I haven’t either, because I’ve admittedly been spending a lot of the past eight months thinking about you. So I feel like we both might need some more time on our own.”

__

Beomgyu nodded, looking down at his lap. “You’re right. You are right. It’s for the best if we stay broken up.”

__

“Hey.” Taehyun tilted Beomgyu’s chin up. “I didn’t say this was forever. It’s a break. When we’re both ready, we’ll find our way back to each other.”

__

Beomgyu’s eyes were watering. “How can you be so sure?”

__

“I can only really speak for myself, but I know that you’re it for me. My heart is reserved. I know it’s not really fair to ask you to reserve your heart for an indefinite period of time, and if you at any point change your mind or want to be with someone else I completely understand and you should do what will make you happiest-”

__

Taehyun was interrupted by Beomgyu kissing him like it was the last thing he’d ever do. The younger was paralyzed with shock at first, but he did kiss back as soon as he processed that it was really happening. It had been a long nine months since Taehyun had kissed Beomgyu (they didn’t see each other much the last 30 days of their relationship) and now he was taking it in like he’d found the oasis in the desert. Beomgyu seemed to respond just as enthusiastically, and the only thing that stopped Taehyun from climbing onto his lap was the bus coming to a stop, reminding them they were in public. They breathed heavily once they separated, making eye contact and laughing.

“That was…”

“Wow.”

Taehyun smiled. “Yeah, it was wow.”

“I didn’t do that to try and change your mind, by the way. I wanted-”

“You don’t have to say anything, Beom. I know.” Not everything could be put into words, but luckily Taehyun could feel what Beomgyu wanted him to know. The older smiled at the confirmation.

“Good.” Taehyun felt somewhat awkward again, and he could tell Beomgyu did too.

“So...is this goodbye?”

Taehyun’s head quickly whipped up to look at Beomgyu. “For now. Just for now. We’ll see each other again.”

“Yeah. We’ll see each other again.” 

There was something in Beomgyu’s eyes that told Taehyun that Beomgyu didn’t really believe that, so he leaned in and kissed him again. 

“I promise that this is not the end of our story,” Taehyun whispered, their foreheads touching. After a moment, Beomgyu nodded.

“I know.”

Taehyun kissed Beomgyu’s nose and then wrapped him in a tight hug. They stayed in each other’s arms for who knows how long, neither of them wanting to let go although they both knew they had to. When they finally separated they chuckled seeing at how they both had started crying. 

“Take care of yourself, Beom.”

“You too, Tae.”

The bus pulled into the next stop and Taehyun stood up.

“Until we meet again.”

_ Five Years Later _

“You’re a legend, Gyu!” 

“Well, yeah. This is nothing new.”

“We can retract our compliments.”

“Noo, please continue.”

Soobin and Yeonjun laughed. They were walking with Beomgyu to his apartment after a concert he’d done with his band, Eternity Star. They started with posting covers and the occasional original song to Soundcloud and Youtube, and had slowly managed to gain a following of millions. Beomgyu still couldn’t wrap his head around it. They had signed with a management company and recently started to do proper performances, instead of just busking and odd gigs here and there. Tonight had been the biggest crowd yet with their first stadium show for 35,000 people (a relatively small stadium but still the largest audience Beomgyu had ever performed for.) He’d been terrified for it but it had gone incredible. Right now he didn’t think he could be any happier.

“Hey look, someone who went to the show! They still have their light up bracelet. It’s so cool how it continues to flash even after the show.”

Beomgyu smiled. “Yeah, I love that too.”

“Should we go over to them? I’m sure they would be delighted to meet Eternity Star’s dashing frontman,” Yeonjun said goofily. 

“Sure, I’d love to get an unbiased opinion on how I did.”

“We’re not biased! You objectively just are the greatest guitarist and singer that has ever lived.” Soobin laughed and Beomgyu rolled his eyes. The three men walked over to the pulsing red light in the distance. The person attached to it had stopped by a lamppost, so it didn’t take long for Beomgyu to see the person-and recognize them.

“...Taehyun?” 

Beomgyu looked into the eyes of his true love for the first time in half a decade, and was relieved to see that they were the same ones he’d drowned in all those years ago.

“Taehyun? Holy shit, hi! We haven’t seen you in forever!” Yeonjun exclaimed.

“Yeah, I’ve been busy. Published a couple books under a pseudonym.”

“Wow, congratulations!” Soobin said merrily. There was an eerie quiet and the two eldest looked over at their friend, at each other, and then back to the other two boys.

“We’re gonna go over there and give you two some privacy,” Soobin said before taking Yeonjun’s hand and walking away. But Beomgyu was hardly paying any attention anyway.

“Hey. Your show was amazing-”

“Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?”

“...I wanted it to be a surprise. I planned to text you after the show was over, but seeing you and Sooyoung onstage I realized that it would just be a waste of time.”

“Wait, Sooyoung-”

“You don’t have to say anything, Beomgyu. It’s been five years, you moved on, I totally understand. It’s only fair after I ghosted you. Really, it was unfair of me to expect you to still be waiting after so long. And Sooyoung seems really cool, so congrats. I’m happy for you.”

Beomgyu almost wanted to laugh at the thought of him dating Sooyoung, (Eternity Star’s very lesbian bassist) but held back on it. 

“I thought you knew.”

“Knew what?”

“The last time we saw each other I kissed you and started to explain why but then you told me I didn’t have to because you knew what I was trying to tell you.”

Taehyun smiled somewhat wistfully. “Yeah. I did know.”

“What did you know?”

“That you kissed me as a way of showing that you were willing to wait.”

“So how come you think I’m with Sooyoung?”

“It’s hard not to after seeing you perform. You had such great chemistry.”

“Jungeun won’t be too pleased to hear that.”

“Who’s Jungeun?”

“Sooyoung’s girlfriend.”

Taehyun’s mouth opened and closed like a goldfish. His palm went to his forehead and Beomgyu laughed.

“Now I feel like a real idiot.”

“It’s okay. You’re a very cute idiot,” Beomgyu said as he walked closer to Taehyun. 

“Hold on. Just so we’re clear...you still want me? Want this, want us?”

“Yes. I never stopped wanting us. I never stopped loving us. I never stopped loving you.”

Taehyun beamed. “I never stopped loving you either.”

Beomgyu pulled him in for a dramatic movie kiss, dipping him before pulling away, which caused Taehyun to shriek and clutch his arms tightly. Beomgyu laughed and touched his forehead to the younger’s.

“What do you say we go have our happily ever after? And before you start saying it doesn’t exist and in reality life and relationships are really difficult and there’s no such thing as smooth sailing only rainbows forever-”

Taehyun shut Beomgyu up with a kiss and nuzzled their noses together. “I would love to start living happily-among other emotions-ever after with you.”

Beomgyu took Taehyun’s hand. “Then let’s go.”

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed this! took me forever to write but i'm proud of it. my next fic will most likely either be yeonbin or hyerim so stay tuned! also follow me on twitter if you want @sparklysoobin i'm doing writing commissions so if you want smth specific from me go to my profile and you can see more info in my pinned tweet, dm with requests  
> pls leave a comment if you enjoyed and have a nice day <3


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